It has been a year since our miscarriage. I think back to this time last year, it was the most difficult event in my life thus far. God is in control and through that trial I feel like I grew as a person and grew closer to the Lord. We found out on a Tuesday that our baby’s heart was no longer beating, I cried in the doctor’s office, just feeling so empty. The next few days were a whirlwind of events and emotions. I thank God for Ann Marie who was able to show us our baby and give us a picture (The doctors’ office didn’t show us the screen and quickly put us in another room to discuss the circumstances). This baby will not be forgotten. I do not know why is happened, and I do not need to know. But if it hadn’t we wouldn’t have Jillian, and I can not imagine not having her. Losing a baby is so incredibly difficult, even if it is in the first trimester. No one should try to minimize that lose. One thing that helped me in the days and weeks following the miscarriage and surgery was reading Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt. One particular passage struck me. A woman wrote this about her miscarriage:

“I am so thankful to God for my special baby, even though he only lived eleven weeks after conception. Miscarriage was his return call by Jesus. I’ll never be tempted to question the goodness of God in giving us a baby we never held. How could anyone be less than bursting with parental pride over a baby who brings you this much joy and expectation? I can’t! When I made the announcement to Michael that our baby was coming he laughed first, then cried, and ended up doing both at the same time. No other news on earth could have brought on this response, and the scene was repeated with grandparents. My baby’s life was not long enough to have any pictures to carry in my billfold, but was long enough to fill my heart with wonderful memories. I was never hurt by my child’s rebellion, was never embarrassed by my child’s actions, and I never had to discipline him. This was by child who brought me joy all the days of his life. Thank you, God, for that kind of child; it was a gift only you could give.”

Wow, to think about a miscarriage that way really changes the perspective.

We referred to our first baby as “Baby Baby” when we talked about him/her. Baby Baby Clarke is a part of me, not forgotten, but loved. On what would have been the estimated due date Nov. 20, 2008) of our first baby, Joe and I attended Pregnancy Solutions and Services annual banquet. What a blessing it was to attend the banquet, raising money to benefit the pregnancy center and save lives! I just thought it was cool that the event fell on that particular day. I was able to praise God for our child, for the children saved from abortion, and to pray for the ministry. It was a great way to spend that day.