There. Now I do. It was today. Here is a picture of me and the girly.

Jillian is three months old today. It doesn’t quite seem like three months have gone by already, wow. Miss Jillibean is very strong. She is holding her head up for much longer periods of time and gets frustrated when she can no longer push up because she gets tired. She is sleeping longer at night, which is nice. The other night she slept 6 hours in a row! She is such a joy, we love her so much!

Jillian is getting to be quite expressive.

There was a nice little banquet at my Mom and Gran’s church for Mother’s Day, which took place the Wednesday before.

Joe, Jillian and I had a nice Mother’s Day- church, lunch with the Andrews’ and then back home to relax and enjoy the sunshine.

Gramps was at the banquet helping serve food, but instead got to hold Jillian

Four generations

Joe and Jillian

Look at the face!

Jillian in her super cute outfit

It has been a year since our miscarriage. I think back to this time last year, it was the most difficult event in my life thus far. God is in control and through that trial I feel like I grew as a person and grew closer to the Lord. We found out on a Tuesday that our baby’s heart was no longer beating, I cried in the doctor’s office, just feeling so empty. The next few days were a whirlwind of events and emotions. I thank God for Ann Marie who was able to show us our baby and give us a picture (The doctors’ office didn’t show us the screen and quickly put us in another room to discuss the circumstances). This baby will not be forgotten. I do not know why is happened, and I do not need to know. But if it hadn’t we wouldn’t have Jillian, and I can not imagine not having her. Losing a baby is so incredibly difficult, even if it is in the first trimester. No one should try to minimize that lose. One thing that helped me in the days and weeks following the miscarriage and surgery was reading Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt. One particular passage struck me. A woman wrote this about her miscarriage:

“I am so thankful to God for my special baby, even though he only lived eleven weeks after conception. Miscarriage was his return call by Jesus. I’ll never be tempted to question the goodness of God in giving us a baby we never held. How could anyone be less than bursting with parental pride over a baby who brings you this much joy and expectation? I can’t! When I made the announcement to Michael that our baby was coming he laughed first, then cried, and ended up doing both at the same time. No other news on earth could have brought on this response, and the scene was repeated with grandparents. My baby’s life was not long enough to have any pictures to carry in my billfold, but was long enough to fill my heart with wonderful memories. I was never hurt by my child’s rebellion, was never embarrassed by my child’s actions, and I never had to discipline him. This was by child who brought me joy all the days of his life. Thank you, God, for that kind of child; it was a gift only you could give.”

Wow, to think about a miscarriage that way really changes the perspective.

We referred to our first baby as “Baby Baby” when we talked about him/her. Baby Baby Clarke is a part of me, not forgotten, but loved. On what would have been the estimated due date Nov. 20, 2008) of our first baby, Joe and I attended Pregnancy Solutions and Services annual banquet. What a blessing it was to attend the banquet, raising money to benefit the pregnancy center and save lives! I just thought it was cool that the event fell on that particular day. I was able to praise God for our child, for the children saved from abortion, and to pray for the ministry. It was a great way to spend that day.

Our little family is doing well. Nothing much is new really. Joe is working four, ten hour days, which has been good for us. He is then able to stay home on Fridays with Jillian while I work with two of my kiddos. It has been nice to see the kids I work with, I missed them. Though, I am keeping the working to a minimum so I can be with Jillian as much as possible.

In addition to being a mom, a wife, and working a bit, I stated my third BCBA class. I am trying to complete this certification before too long. Hopefully by early next year I will have my classes done and supervision hours completed so I can take the board exam and become a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA). I also have four more classes through Liberty, two this summer and two in the fall, and then my masters will be done, w00t! (Joe likes in when I try to use gamer lingo). A PhD program is hopefully in my future, not sure where I will go, but I would like to study Developmental Psychology or Clinical Psychology. Definitely not online, I am done with the online learning experience. There are pros and cons, the biggest con being not getting to know any professors and learning from them.

Jillian is doing so well. She is starting to sleep longer periods at night, which is very nice. She is getting so big, was 9lbs 3 oz two weeks ago at the doctor’s, so she is nearing 10 lbs I would guess by now. She is also a lot more aware of her surroundings, smiling, cooing more and more-almost like having a little conversation with her. She is very strong, lifting her head up and pushing her body up with her arms, the doctor said she is putting the other babies her age to shame, especially with being four weeks early.

Anyway, life is good, many blessings and many things to be praying about.